Sunday, March 29, 2009
Mom, please say hello to Mary & Dad for me. Tell them I’ve never gotten over their deaths, love & still miss them daily. Tell any other relatives you bump into that I miss them also. I’ve read the book “Heaven� by Joni Erickson-Tada and can imagine what you’ve experienced so far. I imagine you’re in such a wonderful & blessed place that you don’t have eyes for anyone but Jesus. Since 2000, I’ve lost so many friends & family and have become somewhat numb. Suddenly, death has become a large part of my life and I never learned how to deal with it. I remember the wakes &/or funerals of Blanche Gerner, Aunt Phyllis, Uncle Goody, Uncle Billie, & Uncle George. I don’t remember being in attendance of Uncle Davey, Uncle Philly, or Aunt Ruth. I lost Diane & Monica as they were about to turn 50; neither can I say are definitely going to Heaven although I pray they are. Mom, I’m tired. I should have preceded Mary if not for anything but because I feel I seemed to have wasted my life. I forgive you & daddy for not being around when I was growing up & wish you can forgive me all the bad decisions I made on my own. I didn’t know any better & sort of raised myself during my teens. I went far astray from what you tried to instill in me when I was younger, but you both weren’t available to me when I had to start making tough decisions. I know you & dad did the best you were qualified to do at the times you could. I don’t fault you for anything; I fault myself for dismissing the lessons you so thoroughly taught me during my early years. I love you tremendously and am sorry I didn’t visit you more in your latter years. You were always there to accommodate me & Chris when we visited you in FL & CT. It’s just a shame that throughout our lives you never desired to know us personally, although I understand this was the way you were brought up; I know it’s partially a result of raising your siblings when you were younger. You were sort of burnt out by the time you had your own children; this I understand. Please know that I understand you & daddy’s relationship. I know what struggles you endured to keep both your mother & mother-in-law pacified while you raised 4 children and supported a husband. I love you for what you gave me & will never forget your attention to detail in our lives. You deserved so much more than you got, and I know you were extremely frustrated the final years of your life not able to express your feelings. But, we knew! We saw it in your very animated face what you couldn’t stand & also the love you had. You held my hand before you had your last TIA and cried when I was leaving. I knew you felt frustrated not to be able to tell me something & wondered why I wasn’t visiting you more often. But your memory was lapsing & I didn’t have any stories to tell you like Chris. I couldn’t talk of my depression & joblessness; so I didn’t have anything to say. Mom, you were a good mother to your siblings and to us. You did the best you were prepared to be. Luckily, you raised 3 older siblings of mine that I am forever in their debt. I love you beyond words and pray I’ll meet you soon in Heaven as my life here on earth has not worked out as any of us had hoped. I love you forever, Susie
